I confess: I floated through my first year of seminary. Sound familiar?

Part of my passiveness was because I was fresh out of college, enjoying the freedom of living in a big city (Fort Worth, Texas). I was also newly married. On top of it, I was not sure what God was doing in my life or what direction to go in ministry.

All of that changed my second year of seminary. On a whim, I participated in an interview for a campus ministry internship on a major college campus in Georgia. I would later see God's providence in this. As a native Texas boy, I would never have seen myself moving to the land of sweet tea and pork barbeque. Nevertheless, my wife and I just had a "feeling" that this was where God was leading us.

My internship experience was life-altering. It helped me sort out my ministry direction. What originally was supposed to be a nine-month internship working with college students turned into six years of rich ministry. I transitioned from that campus ministry to a local church, where I had opportunities beyond expectations. And yes, I fell in love with sweet tea and pork barbeque.

Now I have the pleasure of being the "internship guy" on a seminary campus. I get to talk to students about God's movement in their lives on a daily basis. When I have these conversations, I see students who are exactly where I was when I started out with the same questions, uncertainties, and anticipations.

As a theological student, there are days when God seems distant. We get wrapped up in feelings and throw God’s promises out the window. Because we can't "feel" God, we think perhaps he has abandoned us. In a recent interview with Ministry Mentor, Anne Graham Lotz, Bible teacher and author of I Saw the Lord: A Wake-Up Call for Your Heart, talks about the dangers of relying on emotion as a barometer for your faith walk and the importance of having a fresh vision of Jesus.

Do you ever experience dry times spiritually?
Anne Graham Lotz: If by spiritual dry time you mean "emotionless," then the answer is yes. My emotions seem to come and go. But if by dry you mean times I lack conviction of the truth of who God is and what he means in my life, then I would say no.

There have been times in my spiritual journey when my feelings have crowded out any awareness of God's presence in my life. I have felt abandoned by him. At such times of weakness I have needed a clear vision of Jesus. I have needed to open my eyes to his presence in my life—a vision that he has given me through his Word, which distinctly promises, "I will never fail you; I will never abandon you" (Heb. 13:5, NLT).

What do you mean by a vision?
I’m talking about the kind of vision the prophet Isaiah had that is recorded in Isaiah chapter 6. He was a man in ministry and the Bible gives no indication that he felt he needed personal revival or had any awareness whatsoever of any spiritual deficiencies at all. Nevertheless, when the wake-up call came, the vision he saw catapulted his spirit into the center of the universe--into the very throne room of heaven.

It gave him keen insight into the heart of God. It riveted his focus on God. It flooded him with fresh hope for himself and his beloved people. It unveiled the thrilling, awesome glory of God enthroned in majesty. It made him recognize his utter sinfulness in the face of God's absolute holiness. It was a forceful experience that propelled Isaiah into personal revival that lasted a lifetime.

What happens when you have such a vision?
When I talk about visions, I'm not talking about gazing into a crystal ball and seeing something or going to sleep and having a mystical dream that has meaning. I'm talking about spiritual eyes being opened in a fresh way to the reality, authenticity, and authority of Jesus Christ--experiencing an overwhelming awareness that he is here.

I thought that seeing Jesus would send me into a kind of spiritual orbit. I thought it would result in a glorious, exhilarating, out-of-body ecstatic experience. Yet within seconds the thrill of a fresh encounter can morph from the heights of joy to the depths of depression as it shines a light in our lives revealing our own sinfulness. A fresh vision of Jesus causes our eyes to be opened to his holiness and our helplessness.

How does this awareness of your own sinfulness impact your ministry?
Again and again as I stand to publicly proclaim God's Word, in my spirit I am on my face before God with a dreadful fear, acutely aware that I am a sinner, no better than those who look back at me with attentive, upturned faces. But when I began ministry, I lacked a Spirit-sensitized awareness of my own sinfulness. I remember being so spiritually superficial that when a speaker challenged those in the audience, including myself, to spend a few moments in confession of sin, I could not think of even one sin in my life to confess!

One tool I have used is a checklist of sins adapted from a 19th-Century revivalist, Charles Finney. As I work my way through it, God uses it to open my eyes to sins in my own life and bring me to my knees in repentance.

My life could not have been better. God had blessed me with a beautiful wife, four children, excellent health, and our dream house. We were in a strong church where we were growing spiritually. My career was progressing beyond what I had ever dreamed.

While life was stressful and complex, I felt that by God's grace I was managing life well, was growing in Christ, and had a vibrant ministry in my workplace and in the community.

Yet, I had reached a point in my Christian walk and ministry where I could not find satisfying answers. Many times, I would read popular Christian books or hear sermons that did not seem quite right, but I did not have the skills to evaluate them.

Although I was an excellent self-learner, it became obvious that I needed formal education. As I was discussing various seminary options with my wife, she asked, "Are you being called to seminary or to be a pastor?" The answer was clearly seminary, but that is not what people want to hear. While I knew that I needed in-depth education, I could not pinpoint a specific Christian vocation. In fact, I had a vibrant ministry in my secular job.

But maybe, I thought, my intense desire for seminary was God’s way of calling me to be a pastor.

Leading a new, uncertain life
By this time, I was in my late thirties. As long as I can remember, I always had a clear vision and plan for my future. That vision and plan went through several modifications, but I always knew where I was going. Now I faced a passion to pursue a theological education—along with an uncertainty as to where God was leading me next.